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Questions about PrEP? Should lesbians use condoms? Our clinical sexologist, Rena McDaniel, answers questions ranging from open relationships to orgasms. Looking for expert advice on low libido? Ask Rena.

Find Your Confidence in Bed

One of the biggest sources of stress related to sex is feeling a lack of confidence in the bedroom. The truth is that there is no secret sauce to sexual confidence and it isn’t something some people are just born with. Sexual confidence is a moment to moment decision to show up and be present with your own pleasure and with your lover’s body and pleasure.

Confidence is about changing the story you are telling yourself.
In the case of sexual confidence, most folks think that the result that will make everyone happy is for everyone to have an orgasm. The result of having this narrow view of what equals “successful” sex is often getting stuck in your own head about experience level, if the other person is having fun, and what the other person thinks about your body. However, confidence isn’t about skill, it’s about belief in your ability to produce the desired result. If we shift the focus of sex and the result we want from orgasm to pleasure and connection, it takes away a lot of the pressure we place on ourselves to perform.

Confidence is owning your own pleasure.
For many folks, especially folks raised as females, sex has always been about performing for your partner’s pleasure. Masturbation is about getting off because you can’t get “the real thing” and is often rushed and very quiet. The truth is that self-pleasure is one of the best ways that we can get to know our bodies, get comfortable in our skin, and luxuriate in the amazing sensations our bodies can achieve. As we discover more of what brings us pleasure, it becomes easier to tell our partners what we want and sex becomes less of a guessing game and more of an “OMG. yes!” experience.

Confidence is taking charge of your sexual safety.
One of the biggest things that keep us uncomfortable in sexual situations is uncertainty about sexual safety. It is easy to get stuck in your head if you aren’t sure about your partner’s STI status or if you are

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